The Human Condition...

... is a remarkable and intrigueing thing. Life's experiences and my time in the world has taught me to be guarded and cold, and has left me bitter and untrusting. My heart is unreachable by most, and my emotions are seen by a select few. I find many people around me to be pretentious, greedy, and shallow. Some people that I know are so self-involved, I couldn't approach them even if I wanted to. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what a community can do if they work together, and what it's like to love your neighbor. Tonight we held a fundraiser for our friend Autumn, and her daughters Cody and Taylor. Cody is eight years old and has two sinus per cranial masses on her brain. She will be undergoing brain surgery on Feb. 25th, after which she will have an extensive 3-4 month recovery time. Autumn will have to take this time off of work in order to give Cody the best care possible, and therefore will not be able to work. We held a fundraiser tonight in order to make some money to be sure her bills would be paid. We were hoping to make a few thousand dollars. There was a band and silent auction, and food donated by Autumn's work. After having WAY more people than we had expected, we finally ended our night and headed home to count the cash. It turns out, we raised almost $11,000 tonight!! And that's not including the man, who has never met Autumn before, who is paying half of her rent every month for the next 5 months. It was about that moment that I decided it is time to give the world a second chance. I don't think words could ever express what a relief it is to know that Autumn, Cody, and Taylor will be taken care of; this is a favor that only God can repay. And so, tomorrow is the first day of a new mindset. I am going to try to take down my walls, because there is so much love in this world, if I can just learn how to let it in.

You know what really bothers me? Is when people think they have you all figured out. It's like they hear one small detail of your life and think they know you. Well here's a news flash: you don't. Here's what you do know: I wear Tiffany's and Chanel, I have expensive taste, and I love spoiling my friends. But did you know that when I was a kid, we were the only family in our neighborhood without a powerwheels because we couldn't afford them, or that shopping for me meant I mostly got to go through my older sisters hand-me-downs? Maybe the reason I have expensive taste because I've never known what it felt like to have something so nice. I work hard for my money, and I save. Do you think my "rich parents" paid for all of my expensive things? No, I did. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and I thank God every day for the many gifts he has bestowed upon me. There was a miracle disguised as a mistake on a routine blood check in February 2001. If they hadn't switched the tests I wouldn't be here to set the record straight. You think I'm just a boy-crazy girl who just gets bored easily. But here's the truth: I've been in love twice. The first person I ever let myself love cheated. For most of the 5 months that we were together. The second person broke my heart after taking the one piece of me that i had left. Still think I'm just a shallow girl who can't make up her mind? Or maybe now you see that it is out of survival that I just move along, because that's just so much easier on my heart. Maybe now you'll understand that I'm scared. I'm scared to feel those things I felt and feel a pain that deep. You probably think that I am just looking for a Sugar Daddy in life, and that I want to be a rich housewife. But here's the real story. I want to be a mom. Ever since I can remember that has been the one thing I feel like God has called me to do. Other then that, I don't care what I do, as long as I'm happy. If that means being poor, Ok. In the end money is nothing but paper, you can't take it with you, and paper can't compare to the quality of life you lead when living in love and happiness. The other day, I was told that I spoil my friends, that I'm too nice. If you knew me, you'd probably realize why I say "I love you" to them so often, or why I buy them flowers just because. If you took a second to ask why it is so important to me that I let them know when I miss them, I might explain to you that three and a half years ago I lost a very close friend of mine, a friend who has forever changed the way I live my life. On top of losing one friend forever, my best friend since I was 12 moved two states away. And I hate every mile in between us. I didn't cry for two years, and am still trying to learn how to do so. I spent three months trying to release those emotions in other ways, including cutting myself. Still think I;ve got it all together? I've been to some very dark places, and there are still days that I just wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. But then I remember all the good things in life, and all the things I have yet to accomplish. So, do you still think you know me?

It's time to set my heart free, let my emotions out, and fall in love without worrying about what will happen tomorrow!!