Sometimes Loneliness is Just a Part of Me

Well, it is that time of year again, like the swallows flocking to Capistrano, the polo players of the CLU women's water polo team have returned to their rigorous schedule of two-a-day practices. Yes, this indeed is something that should have been taken into consideration when moving in with three players, but unfortunately it was not. And so, as the alarm clocks begin to beep throughout the house, slowly I begin to wake, roll over, and read the red numbers flashing on the clock. 5:15. Thank God I don't have an affinity for water sports. Gradually the bodies begin to rise from their sleepy states and venture off to certain frigidness. As for me, I roll over and go back to sleep. When I awake, I am not greeted by any cheery voices or happy faces; instead I am met by an overwhelming silence. I get up, and begin my routine, getting ready and going to class. I come home from class. Silence is still my only companion. I go to work and fill my afternoon with the adventures of my ever-energetic middle schoolers. And then I return to my house where I finally see some signs of life, but only for a couple hours, until at the very late time of nine o'clock, the girls set out for some slumber in hopes of preparing themselves for their grueling morning workouts. And so I am left again with the solitude. It is this solitude which has led me to do some really deep thinking lately. Maybe it is a weakness, maybe it is a strength, I'm beginning to think it is both, but when I am alone, I begin to think of the things that really touch me very deeply. When I am surrounded by others, I put those thoughts to the side, because I always try to focus on others and not myself. But when I'm alone, all bets are off, and suddenly those thoughts that I try to bury are very near to the surface. One of the things that I've been having a hard time with lately is the fact that I can't remember the sound of Monica's voice, or the way she laughs. I just wish I could hear her laugh again. In general, I've been feeling really lonely lately, and wishing that I had someone to hold me through these nights that seem too long to cry through.

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That when the lights are off something killing me

I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl

Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home

Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall

Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is a part of me

I think everyone has that part of them that beats themselves down, whether it's about school, work, relationships, self-image. For me personally, I have moments of guilt that I could be a better friend to others in some way. I don't know why people do it, but I know the best way to beat it for me is prayer. I know that I have my issues, just like everyone else, but at the end of the day, when I sit down and let my most intimate thoughts to God, I feel good about the kind of woman I am becoming.

But even as these demons threaten my mental health, I can relax, and rejoice, because I know I already have the best friend I could have, and He holds me always. I am hoping to be able to go to church more often, I hear Grace Community is not too shabby...

Another thing on my list of worries, is my health. I have been having some weird things go on with my body, I'm not sure if it is stress related or worse, but some of it is starting to scare me.

Comments are welcome, Prayers are appreciated.