September 6th, 2004 was a Monday.

You know what really bothers me? Is when people think they have you all figured out. It's like they hear one small detail of your life and think they know you. Well here's a news flash: you don't. Here's what you do know: I wear Tiffany's and Chanel, I have expensive taste, and I love spoiling my friends. But did you know that when I was a kid, we were the only family in our neighborhood without a powerwheels because we couldn't afford them, or that shopping for me meant I mostly got to go through my older sisters hand-me-downs? Maybe the reason I have expensive taste because I've never known what it felt like to have something so nice. I work hard for my money, and I save. Do you think my "rich parents" gave me the 700$ I loaned my best friend? Or that they paid for all of my expensive things? No, I did. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and I thank God every day for the many gifts he has bestowed upon me. There was a miracle disguised as a mistake on a routine blood check in February 2001. If they hadn't switched the tests I wouldn't be here to set the record straight. You think I'm just a boy-crazy girl who just gets bored easily. But here's the truth: I've been in love once. The first person I ever let myself love. And he cheated. For most of the 5 months that we were together. Still think I'm just a shallow girl who can't make up her mind? Or maybe now you see that it is out of survival that I just move along, because that's just so much easier on my heart. Maybe now you'll understand that I'm scared. I'm scared to feel those things I felt and feel a pain that deep. You probably think that I am just looking for a Sugar Daddy in life, and that I want to be a rich housewife. But here's the real story. I want to be a mom. Ever since I can remember that has been the one thing I feel like God has called me to do. Other then that, I don't care what I do, as long as I'm happy. If that means being poor, Ok. In the end money is nothing but paper, and paper can't compare to the quality of life you lead when living in love and happiness. The other day, I was told that I spoil my friends, that I'm too nice. If you knew me, you'd probably realize why I say "I love you" to them so often, or why I buy them flowers just because. If you took a second to ask why it is so important to me that I let them know when I miss them, I might explain to you that a year and a half ago I lost a very close friend of mine, a friend who has forever changed the way I live my life. On top of losing one friend forever, my best friend since I was 12 moved two states away. And I hate every mile in between us. I've been to some very dark places, and there are still days that I just wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. But then I remember all the good things in life, and all the things I have yet to accomplish. So, do you still think you know me?

If you think this is aimed at you, trust me it's not. The person who pulled the trigger is completely oblivious to the fact that their assumptions are all wrong. But if for some reason you think it's to you, maybe you should take a second look at me. I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I think I'm pretty amazing, if you'd give me half a chance.

Steady goes the sleepless soul

I'm SO tired....But lately I've been unable to sleep the night through. I for some reason have this aching feeling in my chest, that there is something very wrong. It's like the second I close my eyes, everything is going to come crashing down on me. I don't even want to speak the thought out loud, but I think I am sick again...And the last thing I want to do is freak everyone out again, so I just keep it to myself. Right now I'm going on about 4 hours sleep, and I have been up for 14 hours. I want to go to bed so badly, but I know as soon as I lay down my breath will catch in my throat and my heart will start pounding, my mind will fill with every thought that can break my spirit. So instead of sleeping, I read, listen to music, write poetry, watch movies...Anything to take my mind off the nightmares and the terror of being awake. So since I've had so much time, I'd like to make some recommendations! Books: a million little pieces (I don't care if it's not true, the style of story telling is so unique and original), good grief (for those of us who have gone through the "she's off her rocker" grief period), good in bed (what else can I say?). Music: KD Tunstall (sample her "eye to the telescope" album on itunes, especially #3), Rilo Kiley (the song "portions for foxes"), Elton john (haha don't ask), tom petty ("it'll all work out" and "Square One"), Wheat ("Don't I hold You"), the list goes on. Movies: Elizabethtown, rent, poetic justice, how Stella got her groove back....Weird, I don't know why I'm making recommendations when no one reads this...Oh my gosh I have imaginary friends! haha yes, I've reached delirious.

I'm done pretending people listen.