Bye Bye 2005

Well, tomorrow is the last day of 2005, so I thought I'd recap. 2005 started with goodbyes, to my dad and sister, who went to Ecuador on Jan 1st for a few weeks. My second semester of my sophomore year was great, everyone in the house finally started getting along, and I was starting to do better in school. The semester went by quickly, bringing me back to OC for the summer. My summer started with my sisters graduation, then straight to Hawaii for a couple of weeks at the beach. Two days after my return from the islands I went to Washington to visit my bestest friend, which was super fun. The rest of the summer was full of school, and working odd jobs for my parents, and also a cruise to Mexico. The summer was also full of adventures with the lovely Gomez. But, as every season does, summer ended, and before I knew it , it was time for the annual migration to Thousand Oaks to begin my junior year. The first semester of this school year has gone by quicker then any semester before. I ended with a 3.06 in 16 units, in addition to working 3 days a week. My work has its pluses and its negatives, like any other job, but I feel like I really get a lot more out of it then a normal job. I work for the boys and girls club, which is not always a picnic, but it teaches me so much about patience, honesty, trust, and kindness. I feel like there is so much I can do for these kids, some of them struggle a lot, and it makes me feel good to know that I can help them. My roommates this year are awesome. Me and Kayla's bond seems to be everchanging, which is always interesting to see where we are headed. Stevie is a sweetheart, someone who is always there to add a drop of sunshine to your day, and Katie just seems to know me better then she should. For some reason she and I have connected in a way that makes it irrelevant that we don't spend too much time together, we still know what is going on in eachother's lives. I also got much closer to Dana, who is such an awesome loyal friend, so that is good. And through Dana I met a very good friend, Jason, my little loser, who never fails to take my mind off of the things I'm stressing over. There have been love interests too, Sam, Nesty, CJ, k fed (well, he was interested in me), and Sam again. All in all, I have learned that people change, they come and they go, so enjoy the time you have with them, but know when to let go. If you don't let go, you'll end up like me, wasting the best years of your life living in the past and dreading the future. 2005 taught me to stop being the person who is regretting things they have done, and worrying about what others think. In the end, if I know that I have done what is right for me, and I honor God, then it doesn't matter if the whole world disapproves. Anyways, those are the highlights of the year, bye bye 2005, and to 2006...Bring it on!

Christmas!!

today was good. I spent a lot of time with my family, which is always an adventure!! I got some really great things from my parents, including a super cute luggage set, a nice rob and slippers from baby phat, and these incredibly HOT shoes! This evening the Hartley family joined us for dinner, and it was so much fun just spending some time with them. Those kids are so great, and I love having them around. I wish that we could see more of each other, but we enjoy the times we have together! Anyways, here is a pic of me and my baby godbrother!!

Without you, I don't sleep, Just Dream

Without you I don't have a place that is safe from all of the monsters that hide in my head and sing me to sleep. I won't wait for you forever, while you run around like JFK. You would have watched me waste the best years of my life, but I am not going out that way. Without you, I don't have a place that's safe from all of the monsters that hide in my head and keep me till dawn.

Confessions

I have recently come to realize that there are few, possibly none, of you who read this, so it's time I started speaking my mind! Today, just like everyday, I missed my scum-bag exboyfriend. Well, actually, I didn't miss him, I missed the feeling I had for him. I miss having someone who can barely touch me and make my stomach jump. I miss being giddy. I haven't felt that in a long time. It's like my love department just shutoff or something. I have a couple people who I think would make me very happy in a relationship, but I wouldn't trust them enough to try it. I have a couple of fellas down here, but it's just not the same. I was thinking about new year's eve, and who I want to be my first kiss in '06. And that was just depressing. I miss my roommates and my friends, I miss Katie and Jason and Farrah and Shawn. I miss being able to run into the next room when I am bored or when I get a hyper spurt. Like last night, when I fell up the stairs at the movies, had a crazy airbag experience while parked in my driveway, and then lost my credit card (and found it when the waiter returned the bill that I paid using the card). But I would never want to have a normal life, because then I would be so bored! I NEVER know what is gonna happen! Each day brings new blessings and adventures. haha maybe that's why I can never keep a guy, they are all too boring for me!! haha. But anyways, if anyone actually reads this...Comment!! Buenos noches mis angeles!!

Well, it is my first week at my parents house, and so far it has been pretty good. There are some things that are driving me nuts, like the fact that I don't really have a bedroom, and I feel like I am in everyone's way. I also don't like that I am so far away from my best friends! I mean, I am always far away from my one best friend, but the other 4 are so far away, and I really don't like that! I don't have very many friends down here, I'm kind of feeling lonely. In general I don't feel like I am very productive down here. I feel like there is so much I could be doing with my time, like working. It's also hard because my family feels like anytime I don't hang out with them or make other plans, it is because I don't want to be with them, which is not the case at all. But I know myself, and I know that once I get attached to this living situation and these surroundings, I won't want to go back to CLU. Maybe the whole not having a bedroom thing is going to help me with that. And another thing that has been bugging me lately is the male situation. I have started to get crushes on people who I have already been through things with. This is so stupid on my behalf, because I have already been through it once, why go through it twice? I think it's just because I am so used to having a boy to chase, and I haven't had one for a while now, so maybe it's just my way of "getting back on the horse." But I'm kind of getting to the point where I am over dating....It's so much stress over nothing! I just wish a guy would chase ME for once! I'm getting tired of doing it all myself. I'm a great girl if you'd just give me a chance! But I guess the right guy will never have to have me tell him that, he will just know it. Anyways, I'm off to bed, I've got to get up early to go to the gym. Goodnight little angels!

At this very moment in time, I have been awake for 36 hours straight. Why you may ask, would I do something so crazy during the hardest week of the semester? For lack of a better response, the answer is friendship. I worked all night long to help my friend who was in a bit over his head. And now... I am delirious. It's funny when you are up for so long that you are actually numb to any sense of tiredness. My back is soooo sore, but i don't know why, because I never went to sleep! maybe his chair was just that retarded!! And tonight I have SO much homework to do!! eh such is the life of a finals child....
{@@@} <-----this is your brain. this is your brain on 30 min of sleep and 3 rockstars----->{#@#$%^&*((*&^%#$%^&*((*&^}
I think there is a valuable lesson to learn from all of this: GO TO SLEEEEEEP!!!!!! (but always help your friends in need!)

Sometimes in life, in order to see the blessings you have, it takes seeing someone else's suffering. Only after a person sees darkness can they distinguish light. It's weird to think of how often I take things for granted. I have never thought of myself as spoiled, because I don't get everything I want, but there are some things I have never thought of asking for, but I have received them anyways. Like parents. Lately I have been working on some drawings of children in the holocaust who have lost their entire families, and it made me realize not once have I thanked God for my family, and how wonderful they are. It seems like lately people have so many problems with their families, but never once have I had the worries on my shoulders about my family not getting along. The best thing about my family, is that they give everyone a chance, so no matter where you've been in your life, you have a place at our table. Another blessing that I very often take for granted is my friends. It is easy to forget those who are closest to you, because you know they will always be there. I think God has led me to where I am today by bringing these people into my life. My friends influence every part of my life, and they are always there to help out. It's funny because when you meet someone for the first time your first thought usually isn't about what God intends to do with that relationship, but in the end it's so obvious that our paths have crossed for a reason.

Anyways, it's Sunday, and today I am working on my holocaust project ALL day. I know nobody reads this, but I like to pretend it's a letter to a friend who I haven't spoken to in a while. So with that, I hope you have a wonderful day, God bless you, and I am THANKFUL for you!!!

today was a good day. i am broke, which is a new experience for me, but i'd say i'm handling it quite gracefully. christmas presents are slowly but surely draining my bank account, so needless to say i am very excited for my next paycheck. today i got some art supplies for my holocaust project. i wish i had kept up my drawing since summer, i have lost so much of my talent! haha, but it's ok, i will get it back soon enough. a kid threw a hackeysackey thing at my face today. it hurt like a hoohaa. he hates me, and i dont know why. tonight i am going to go to mack and jason's for a little christmas party, which will be fun. as of today, i have five people left to buy for for christmas....i just want to get it done! anyways, time to go out....

There is no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
And no song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a shoebox of photographs with sepia tone loving

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard
It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing
It's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings
Or brings new things for tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too, too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two, just me and you, not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be, we'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together (mmm)

I believe in memories, they look so, so pretty when I sleep
And when I wake up, you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together

-better together-

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping inbetween
You and your big dreams
It's always you, in my big dreams

And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky, by now, had, crashed
And it did because of me

This is because I can spell confusion with a 'K'
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
Its to Jimmy Eat World
And those nights in my car
When the first star you see
May not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11, and now you wanna talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be My Konstantine

My Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No they'll never hurt you like I do

My Konstanine
You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And i said
Did you know I missed you?
I miss you

Well I have been slacking off on this whole blog thing, but I'm back! Yesterday was a bad day. It was the 6th, and doesn't it suck that no one up here even gets why that matters? It was a bad day, which started with a 2 hour test, followed by work, and then followed by sign language, with spurts of rudeness coming from every direction throughout the whole day. I'm just so burned out, I am really looking forward to the break. I have a lot of worries in my head about those who I care about, worries that I would like to be rid of. For some reason, I have these nagging feelings in the back of my head that something is wrong, and I don't know what it is. I just pray that angels will watch over those I love, and that should they stray from their path, they safely find their way back.