Disney has taught me...

... that I am practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins. In the movie, Mary says "practically perfect people never let sentiment muddle their thinking." It seems that no matter how hard we try, we can't control our feelings, and no matter how much your head argues with your heart, usually it's your heart that you follow. Today I watched my friend go from being completely calm and in control to a nervous wreck all with the addition of a guy; a guy who she thought she was done with. It scares me to know that certain people can have such a great affect on you. As for me, I have tried to convince myself that I am ready to face that fear. And in doing so, continue my adventures of online dating. I have met two interesting characters, and am enjoying getting to know them through instant messenger... And just when I thought I was ready to meet them in person, I met someone else. It baffles me beyond any hope of understanding why things happen when they do, I just try to roll with it. I met an onwry, offensive, quirky man who I just can't get out of my head. The first night I met him, he was sitting in the corner at Swallow's with the biggest pile of peanuts I have ever seen in front of him. He has a nervous compulsion where he likes to break the peanuts out of their shells, but doesn't actually eat them. I realized at once we were a perfect pair, considering that I like peanuts, but am too lazy to go through the trouble of taking them from their shells. In many ways, I wish to be like Mary Poppins, who is obviously in love with Burt, but comes and goes as she pleases. But instead, I am imperfect, as are all humans, and therefore allow sentiment to muddle my thinking. I wish that my heart would agree with my head more often, but for now I suppose they will just have to battle it out.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs...

As I sit here watching Transformers for the 87th time, my heart grows sad to know that I will never find a man like Optimus Prime. In this day and age, I find so many shallow and fake men out there. It would impress me greatly to find a man who can even define what it is he wants, and if he can define it, is he willing to do what it takes to get what he wants? As I came to this realization, I decided that it was about time to share the awful truth that I have resorted to with all you.... Welcome to the adventures of online dating! I have officially been a member of okcupid.com for one week, and let me tell you, it has been quite a trip! I put up my profile, not sure what to expect, and within minutes had a few responses. As of right now, I have exchanged more than three hundred messages with other users. I have gotten the cheesiest, corniest pickup lines you will ever hear. But the beauty of meeting people online is that you have no reason to play nice! And so, let the games begin! It's refreshing to be able to say "Wow, you are really cheesy!" Today, a guy asked me if I could make spaghetti, and I gave him the honest response of "No, I don't eat ground meat, and DEFINITELY don't cook with it." His response? "Ugh, I'm not interested in demanding bitches." And then there was the guy who told me he could bring out the romantic in me... and my breasts out of my top. Class Act! I mean really, do nice men exist? And if so, where are they hiding?? I just want to meet a nice guy, who isn't just after ass! Am I being entirely too selective?? It seems that I will just have to wait and see. As for okcupid, more on that to come!

The Human Condition...

... is a remarkable and intrigueing thing. Life's experiences and my time in the world has taught me to be guarded and cold, and has left me bitter and untrusting. My heart is unreachable by most, and my emotions are seen by a select few. I find many people around me to be pretentious, greedy, and shallow. Some people that I know are so self-involved, I couldn't approach them even if I wanted to. But tonight, I got a glimpse of what a community can do if they work together, and what it's like to love your neighbor. Tonight we held a fundraiser for our friend Autumn, and her daughters Cody and Taylor. Cody is eight years old and has two sinus per cranial masses on her brain. She will be undergoing brain surgery on Feb. 25th, after which she will have an extensive 3-4 month recovery time. Autumn will have to take this time off of work in order to give Cody the best care possible, and therefore will not be able to work. We held a fundraiser tonight in order to make some money to be sure her bills would be paid. We were hoping to make a few thousand dollars. There was a band and silent auction, and food donated by Autumn's work. After having WAY more people than we had expected, we finally ended our night and headed home to count the cash. It turns out, we raised almost $11,000 tonight!! And that's not including the man, who has never met Autumn before, who is paying half of her rent every month for the next 5 months. It was about that moment that I decided it is time to give the world a second chance. I don't think words could ever express what a relief it is to know that Autumn, Cody, and Taylor will be taken care of; this is a favor that only God can repay. And so, tomorrow is the first day of a new mindset. I am going to try to take down my walls, because there is so much love in this world, if I can just learn how to let it in.

You know what really bothers me? Is when people think they have you all figured out. It's like they hear one small detail of your life and think they know you. Well here's a news flash: you don't. Here's what you do know: I wear Tiffany's and Chanel, I have expensive taste, and I love spoiling my friends. But did you know that when I was a kid, we were the only family in our neighborhood without a powerwheels because we couldn't afford them, or that shopping for me meant I mostly got to go through my older sisters hand-me-downs? Maybe the reason I have expensive taste because I've never known what it felt like to have something so nice. I work hard for my money, and I save. Do you think my "rich parents" paid for all of my expensive things? No, I did. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and I thank God every day for the many gifts he has bestowed upon me. There was a miracle disguised as a mistake on a routine blood check in February 2001. If they hadn't switched the tests I wouldn't be here to set the record straight. You think I'm just a boy-crazy girl who just gets bored easily. But here's the truth: I've been in love twice. The first person I ever let myself love cheated. For most of the 5 months that we were together. The second person broke my heart after taking the one piece of me that i had left. Still think I'm just a shallow girl who can't make up her mind? Or maybe now you see that it is out of survival that I just move along, because that's just so much easier on my heart. Maybe now you'll understand that I'm scared. I'm scared to feel those things I felt and feel a pain that deep. You probably think that I am just looking for a Sugar Daddy in life, and that I want to be a rich housewife. But here's the real story. I want to be a mom. Ever since I can remember that has been the one thing I feel like God has called me to do. Other then that, I don't care what I do, as long as I'm happy. If that means being poor, Ok. In the end money is nothing but paper, you can't take it with you, and paper can't compare to the quality of life you lead when living in love and happiness. The other day, I was told that I spoil my friends, that I'm too nice. If you knew me, you'd probably realize why I say "I love you" to them so often, or why I buy them flowers just because. If you took a second to ask why it is so important to me that I let them know when I miss them, I might explain to you that three and a half years ago I lost a very close friend of mine, a friend who has forever changed the way I live my life. On top of losing one friend forever, my best friend since I was 12 moved two states away. And I hate every mile in between us. I didn't cry for two years, and am still trying to learn how to do so. I spent three months trying to release those emotions in other ways, including cutting myself. Still think I;ve got it all together? I've been to some very dark places, and there are still days that I just wish that I could go to sleep and never wake up. But then I remember all the good things in life, and all the things I have yet to accomplish. So, do you still think you know me?

It's time to set my heart free, let my emotions out, and fall in love without worrying about what will happen tomorrow!!

thoughts...

When one person is in love with another but the other does not reciprocate, the wants and needs and expectations of the person in love are aroused and engaged by a partner whose resources of attractiveness or desirability are high and whose own cluster of motives is less vulnerable. The person possessed by love can maneuver and struggle but still is a slave to the one loved.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect;
Every action in this world will bear a consequence.
If you wade around forever you will surely drown.
I see what's going down.
Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has.

nauseous.

letting go is the hardest thing, but it seems to be something we as humans have to do over and over again. and it only gets harder. i'm getting used to the fact that i do more letting go than i do holding on.


and t.he.y'll never be what u are to me.



just stay.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being
able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You
are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so
much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said,
or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your
forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me
to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so
that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can
accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I
have no control over, and it's the best response when I'm pushed
beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to
my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless
me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may
help the weak...Keep me uplifted that I may have words of
encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't find their
way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those who will delete this without sharing
it with others. I pray for those who don't believe.
But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes
things.I pray for all my sisters and brothers and for each
and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that
they are out of debt and all their needs are met.
I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is
no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every
battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these
words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.
In Your Name,
Amen

The Beautiful Ones, They Hurt You Every Time...

Honestly... how much is it going to take? How much will I have to sacrifice for you before you understand that I would do anything for you? Are you really going to make me prove it to you?


I feel like you are greasing the rope before I grab it, that way, no matter how hard I try, the rope will slip from my hands; you'll be dropped, and everyone will think it's my fault. So I'm done being the person to hold the rope. Instead let me be the net at the bottom, that catches you when you have fallen. I will no longer be your first option of help, and sometimes you won't slip passed the bottom of the rope, but I will still be there to hold you when all else fails.